Have you ever felt like your whole world is about to collapse in on you? This is what it feels like for me with my hallucinations. For me at times it becomes blurry on what the hallucinations are and people in reality. It gets blurred because the auditory and visual hallucinations are so bad and convincing that I really don’t know the deference
Im not trying to be mean, Its just when you touch me, and move my things I start to panic.
Im not paranoid, Its just OCD thoughts coming into my head.
Im not trying to make us late, I fear for your life if the door isnt locked twice, and checked 3 times.
Im not trying to be annoying, I just ask for you to confirm that my thoughts are just thoughts because I trust you.
Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultraconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.
A narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships, work, school or financial affairs. You may be generally unhappy and disappointed when you’re not given the special favors or admiration you believe you deserve. Others may not enjoy being around you, and you may find your relationships unfulfilling.
My father definitely has this NPD. He manipulates really well into getting people to doing what he wants them to do. Now not all people with NPD are angry, aggressive jerks my father is. Growing up in this situation you learn how to survive. The best way is just to get through each day at a time, breathe and take each day as its given to you. Its hard to prove that your getting abused physically and sexually. Its super hard to convince someone that you need help getting out of a emotional/verbal abuse situation. Yet not impossible. Its extremely scary to think that this person that is literally capable of anything in your head, wont be in other peoples head. You live in and you are in it, they aren’t so WHY do they get to have a say in anything? Well because the system is broken, that is the best answer I can give you. In my partners Blog @lifeonwheels365 he might be going into depth on how foster care works, or even on how to get help in foster care. I know that everyone that has been in the system in some level, juvenile detention, foster care, Chapter 51, or privately hospitalized. They all know that this system is broken, people that know nothing about your care, sit behind desks and decide everything for you. I agree that its horrible and needs a lot of work. I am here to support you, and help guide you in whatever way possible that you need help in.
Keep strollin’ on my mental health warriors
Cutting is a coping skill, people may see it as not. Its not a good one and its harmful. All different people who use cutting as a coping skill do it for all different reasons. I did it because I was so upset and felt numb, just hoping I would feel something. Other times I would cut because of the voices telling me too. Other way is people want to see what they are feeling on the inside on the outside. Others what control over their body in some way, so they resort to this method. All are reasons, but its a temporary thing doesn’t solve things in the long haul. Just remember that WE all self sooth, WE all need coping skills. Don’t ‘punish’ someone for these behaviors, help them. They are in pain, and they need someone to listen.
Keep surviving my mental health warriors
Art is a positive, effective coping mechanism. You dont have to be the best at art. If you enjoy it, and it helps you its a great way to relax, and kick back. You can get your anger out in art, your sadness, happiness, pretty much any emotion. This is my hallucination Phinx my black cat.
Paint on my mental health worriors.
Have you reached your boiling point with someone? Sometimes family doesnt listen, especially about mental health. You can tell them all day how they can support you, and sometimes they still dont. Ive tried yelling, and ive tried being calm and consistant. Yelling gets no where. Its like battling a dragon with a spoon and hoping that you win. It just doesnt work. Talking calm and consistant doesnt always work but your better off. People hear you better, believe it or not. That if you tell them over and over again your chances are better.
Stay strong fellow mental health warriors
You are most definitely NOT a burden. It might feel like it now. Maybe someone even told you that you are. I promise you arent. Hold a pillow tight tonight, put on some positive music, and rest well.
Hold on my fellow mental health warriors, for this bad time will pass.
^13 Years old, with bad Anorexia.
^15 at healthy weight
^16 starting to fill into my body
^Me at 20 years old, healthy physically
What do all these pictures have in common? They are all me. I started to restrict when I was 10 years old. It started at school, then progressed to at home. 13 years old, I was under 90 pounds. Very malnourished at one point so terrified to even drink water. The next picture is me at 15, I was generally healthy. I was a late bloomer, with growing into my body. I was a runner, I excersized ALOT. I was always in the gym before or after therapy, and every chance I got. Though I was healthy, my eating disorder thoughts drifted into my thoughts once in a while. The next picture is me again at 16 years old. I had finally gotten a chest, not large but one. I was working out alot still, not loving my body because of my body growing. I didnt have a father to show me the right way a guy should treat me. I was in and out of abusive relationships with girls, also hung out with boys that only wanted me for sex. Growing up with sexual abuse was hard to deal with, the fact that I didnt know who to date, or how I should be treated was very hard. The last picture is of me today, my body has fully grown into my 20 year old body. I have eating disorder thoughts but at this point being able to push them out of my head is easier.
Im here to tell you girls, that your body will change. You will grow into your chest, your period will come (youll probably hate it). Love your body, to love someones body closely enough to touch you have to love yours. Hug yourself.
Keep strong my fellow mental health worries
Alot of places take visitors phones away so they can’t take pictures of other patients. My mom took this picture of me in a psychiatric hospital, at 15 years old, 5 years ago. I was on a 1:1, that means I was in a arms reach of a staff every second of the day. Yes, that includes the bathroom. The shower curtain had to be open, they had to feel how warm the water was to make sure it wasnt ‘to hot’. Life in a psychiatric hospital isnt what people think of. Its not what the ‘institutions’ we see in the Movies or on the Tv show ‘American Horror Story’. You are on a schedule, you get up and go to bed at a set time. You are given your medications by a nurse. You have groups all through out the day. Its not glorious, but its not the worst place to be either.
Just remember that your there to get help, and that not everything will be easy. That getting healthly is worth it.
Keep it up mental health warriors!!
^This blog explains a lot of things that people with PTSD Hallucinations might deal with. I deal with psychotic symptoms from PTSD I was diagnosed with Early-Onset Childhood Schizophrenia. When really It was/is PTSD psychotic symptoms. I have dealt with this sense I was 7 years old, I was diagnosed at 15 almost 16 with Childhood Schizophrenia. I am working with my mental health team to get the diagnosis switched in my chart. Having trauma especially sexual trauma, and emotional trauma was the hardest for me. I felt that my body wasn’t actually mine, and that I don’t have to let anyone respect it. I know that now my body is mine, and it needs to be respected. I still have my rough days, I still have days that my Hallucinations spike and it feels like I cant function. There are days I wish I could cuddle up and just sleep, cry, and never get up. I push myself to get better, I push myself to get out of bed and I try to do 1 thing that is healthy. Whether that’s a shower, eating a meal, walking outside, or just cleaning up a bit. Its always good to have relaxing days to calm down a little, and decompress from life. All I can say is do it healthy, remember why you wake up everyday. Remember that eventually things get easier, it may not be right away. Nothing happens overnight, but I promise that things get better.
Keep pushing on my fellow mental health warriors