Eye contact is one of the hardest things for me. I cant stand when someone yells at me for not looking in their eyes, or they tell me Im not paying attention. It isnt that Im not paying attention. Its that I dont know what your eyes are saying, alot of times your body language and your eyes dont match. I cant read your eyes, they confuse me.
“Eye contact makes me feel threatened. I may not look at you in the eye but that doesn’t mean that I’m not taking in what your saying.”
– Jeanette Purkis’
The next thing that Im about to post about may seem weird, or that it will draw attention to you in public. The thing is, it calms everything. Once you decide that it doesnt matter what people think of you in public it helps everything (in my case anyways).
As soon as I get into a building (Doctors, Psychiatrist, therapist, even store, ect.) I take my shoes off. Here is my list of what helps me in public hacks!
- Sensory Backpack with all my necessary items (Wallet, phone changer, headphones, noise cancelling headphones, three sensory balls, fidget spinner, emergency medication, weighted lap pad, inhaler, and pretty much anything else that will help me
- I take my shoes off
- I cross my legs
- I rock
- Twist my arms
- Walk around with my shoes off (sometimes)
- Play with something in my backpack
- Fun games on my phone (coloring, angry birds, music, Facebook, WordPress, ect) This is why I find it is SO important to bring the charger in case it dies.
These are my must haves. I need to have everything on this list as a option, to feel safe and like I know that I will be able to get through it. I dont always use every single thing in that list, the fact that I have it helps me get through stuff like waiting rooms, and loud restaurants, even stores.
Its important to remember to take care of yourself before worrying about other peoples opinion on what your doing, everyone will have a opinion, and not everyone will agree or like yours all the time. Doing something that is safe and helps you manage is the best way around it!
If you asked anyone that knows me and you asked “Does Lindsey like change?” the answer would be “absolutely not” .. I grew up with unpredictable by the time I was 6 or 7. By the time 13 came around it was bad, I hated change so much that even the slightest change would make me panic until I would self harm. I never knew when I would come home from school what waited for me that nice. My first question getting off the bus to my mother was “Is dad home? Is he coming home tonight?” If the answer was no to either or both I knew that It would be okay at least that night. If the answer was ‘yes’ or that he worked from home. I would know what that day would end in. Yes, unpredictability scares the hell out of me. After my first 4 hospitalizations in a row, I did not like it at all. I knew that eventually I would be sent home, that sooner or later I would return to a monster,and my judgmental town. I was sent to a psychiatric hospital in town to a residential inpatient program 6 hours from home, then I was to(violent, Actually what it was, was I was hearing voices and they kept telling me that I wasn’t) Sent to a locked unit 8 hours from home In a different state, down to a state runned psychiatric hospital. Then home, in a total of 5 months. You could say my life was flipped out of control in 5 months. I started going down hill around 11. I started to seriously self harm(cutting, burning, ect..) Too just getting in-school suspended for a full 3 or 4 days. 8 hours in a little room. To me though, It was 8 hours I didnt have to talk to anyone, 8 hours that I could sit in a quite, dark room, 8 hours not required to try to socialize. This was really nice for me, eventually I would purposely try to get suspended in-school. This meant I did my work from 8 classes while I was in there, this resulted of me getting them done in maybe 3 hours, and the rest for me to be alone.
So yes, I dont like change because change makes me fear something horrible with happen. I will get hurt, someone else will, and it sends me back into a flashback.
Keep preparing on my mental health warriors
If you or someone you know is in danger Its never to late, call 911 or go to the closest Emergency Room
We all did it, we all do it. When is it so far? I lied to escape from reality. No one wanted to listen to the truth, I would tell anyone that would listen about my dad molesting me. My dad was a businessman, and no one would have expected that evil lied within him. I told people that I was suppose to be able to trust, I told mandated reporters. The fact is that they didn’t report. I thought that if no one was listening to the truth I had to say, that I didn’t matter, that my lies didn’t affect people, because my truth didn’t either. I escaped reality in the lies I told. No matter what I told, to me it was better then what I was living. Even if the lies seemed horrific to other people, I would have rather been living whatever the lie was than being molested every other night. There were definitely nights that I would curl up in my bed and scream into a pillow, cry my eyes out, and feel like destroying everything in my path. The next day I would sit on the shower floor with hot water, and loud music so I could cry, scream, and wash away the ‘dirt’ off my body. Get out then go to school act like everything was ‘fine’. Fact was that didn’t work as well as I thought It was. I lied there, I lied to my parents, and I lied to everyone. Most importantly I lied to myself. I told myself that I didn’t matter, that my pain wasn’t valid, and my body wasn’t mine, and people shouldn’t respect it either.
I remember that every night I would sit in my bathtub, naked, hoping that If I scrubbed my body hard enough, the bruises from the night before and all the ‘dirt’ he left would go down the drain. I thought If I was pretty enough, skinny enough, and lovable enough. That it would just stop, it never did. I became overwhelmed in my own world, and the only thing that I could focus on was my lies. I just wanted something that freed me from the hell of reality that I lived every single day, because I knew the second he got home my reality came back.
Pretty soon my lies didn’t make me escape. I couldn’t breathe normally, and I couldn’t survive (As I thought). Resulting on June 25, 2010 I tried to kill myself, landing me in the ER, then my first psychiatric stay.
Keep surviving my mental health warriors
If you or someone you know is suicidal or being harmed, its not to late, go to the nearest Emergency Room, or call 911
Have you ever felt like your whole world is about to collapse in on you? This is what it feels like for me with my hallucinations. For me at times it becomes blurry on what the hallucinations are and people in reality. It gets blurred because the auditory and visual hallucinations are so bad and convincing that I really don’t know the deference
Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultraconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.
A narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships, work, school or financial affairs. You may be generally unhappy and disappointed when you’re not given the special favors or admiration you believe you deserve. Others may not enjoy being around you, and you may find your relationships unfulfilling.
My father definitely has this NPD. He manipulates really well into getting people to doing what he wants them to do. Now not all people with NPD are angry, aggressive jerks my father is. Growing up in this situation you learn how to survive. The best way is just to get through each day at a time, breathe and take each day as its given to you. Its hard to prove that your getting abused physically and sexually. Its super hard to convince someone that you need help getting out of a emotional/verbal abuse situation. Yet not impossible. Its extremely scary to think that this person that is literally capable of anything in your head, wont be in other peoples head. You live in and you are in it, they aren’t so WHY do they get to have a say in anything? Well because the system is broken, that is the best answer I can give you. In my partners Blog @lifeonwheels365 he might be going into depth on how foster care works, or even on how to get help in foster care. I know that everyone that has been in the system in some level, juvenile detention, foster care, Chapter 51, or privately hospitalized. They all know that this system is broken, people that know nothing about your care, sit behind desks and decide everything for you. I agree that its horrible and needs a lot of work. I am here to support you, and help guide you in whatever way possible that you need help in.
Keep strollin’ on my mental health warriors
Cutting is a coping skill, people may see it as not. Its not a good one and its harmful. All different people who use cutting as a coping skill do it for all different reasons. I did it because I was so upset and felt numb, just hoping I would feel something. Other times I would cut because of the voices telling me too. Other way is people want to see what they are feeling on the inside on the outside. Others what control over their body in some way, so they resort to this method. All are reasons, but its a temporary thing doesn’t solve things in the long haul. Just remember that WE all self sooth, WE all need coping skills. Don’t ‘punish’ someone for these behaviors, help them. They are in pain, and they need someone to listen.
Keep surviving my mental health warriors
Have you reached your boiling point with someone? Sometimes family doesnt listen, especially about mental health. You can tell them all day how they can support you, and sometimes they still dont. Ive tried yelling, and ive tried being calm and consistant. Yelling gets no where. Its like battling a dragon with a spoon and hoping that you win. It just doesnt work. Talking calm and consistant doesnt always work but your better off. People hear you better, believe it or not. That if you tell them over and over again your chances are better.
Stay strong fellow mental health warriors
You are most definitely NOT a burden. It might feel like it now. Maybe someone even told you that you are. I promise you arent. Hold a pillow tight tonight, put on some positive music, and rest well.
Hold on my fellow mental health warriors, for this bad time will pass.
^13 Years old, with bad Anorexia.
^15 at healthy weight
^16 starting to fill into my body
^Me at 20 years old, healthy physically
What do all these pictures have in common? They are all me. I started to restrict when I was 10 years old. It started at school, then progressed to at home. 13 years old, I was under 90 pounds. Very malnourished at one point so terrified to even drink water. The next picture is me at 15, I was generally healthy. I was a late bloomer, with growing into my body. I was a runner, I excersized ALOT. I was always in the gym before or after therapy, and every chance I got. Though I was healthy, my eating disorder thoughts drifted into my thoughts once in a while. The next picture is me again at 16 years old. I had finally gotten a chest, not large but one. I was working out alot still, not loving my body because of my body growing. I didnt have a father to show me the right way a guy should treat me. I was in and out of abusive relationships with girls, also hung out with boys that only wanted me for sex. Growing up with sexual abuse was hard to deal with, the fact that I didnt know who to date, or how I should be treated was very hard. The last picture is of me today, my body has fully grown into my 20 year old body. I have eating disorder thoughts but at this point being able to push them out of my head is easier.
Im here to tell you girls, that your body will change. You will grow into your chest, your period will come (youll probably hate it). Love your body, to love someones body closely enough to touch you have to love yours. Hug yourself.
Keep strong my fellow mental health worries
Alot of places take visitors phones away so they can’t take pictures of other patients. My mom took this picture of me in a psychiatric hospital, at 15 years old, 5 years ago. I was on a 1:1, that means I was in a arms reach of a staff every second of the day. Yes, that includes the bathroom. The shower curtain had to be open, they had to feel how warm the water was to make sure it wasnt ‘to hot’. Life in a psychiatric hospital isnt what people think of. Its not what the ‘institutions’ we see in the Movies or on the Tv show ‘American Horror Story’. You are on a schedule, you get up and go to bed at a set time. You are given your medications by a nurse. You have groups all through out the day. Its not glorious, but its not the worst place to be either.
Just remember that your there to get help, and that not everything will be easy. That getting healthly is worth it.
Keep it up mental health warriors!!