We all did it, we all do it. When is it so far? I lied to escape from reality. No one wanted to listen to the truth, I would tell anyone that would listen about my dad molesting me. My dad was a businessman, and no one would have expected that evil lied within him. I told people that I was suppose to be able to trust, I told mandated reporters. The fact is that they didn’t report. I thought that if no one was listening to the truth I had to say, that I didn’t matter, that my lies didn’t affect people, because my truth didn’t either. I escaped reality in the lies I told. No matter what I told, to me it was better then what I was living. Even if the lies seemed horrific to other people, I would have rather been living whatever the lie was than being molested every other night. There were definitely nights that I would curl up in my bed and scream into a pillow, cry my eyes out, and feel like destroying everything in my path. The next day I would sit on the shower floor with hot water, and loud music so I could cry, scream, and wash away the ‘dirt’ off my body. Get out then go to school act like everything was ‘fine’. Fact was that didn’t work as well as I thought It was. I lied there, I lied to my parents, and I lied to everyone. Most importantly I lied to myself. I told myself that I didn’t matter, that my pain wasn’t valid, and my body wasn’t mine, and people shouldn’t respect it either.
I remember that every night I would sit in my bathtub, naked, hoping that If I scrubbed my body hard enough, the bruises from the night before and all the ‘dirt’ he left would go down the drain. I thought If I was pretty enough, skinny enough, and lovable enough. That it would just stop, it never did. I became overwhelmed in my own world, and the only thing that I could focus on was my lies. I just wanted something that freed me from the hell of reality that I lived every single day, because I knew the second he got home my reality came back.
Pretty soon my lies didn’t make me escape. I couldn’t breathe normally, and I couldn’t survive (As I thought). Resulting on June 25, 2010 I tried to kill myself, landing me in the ER, then my first psychiatric stay.
Keep surviving my mental health warriors
If you or someone you know is suicidal or being harmed, its not to late, go to the nearest Emergency Room, or call 911
Have you ever felt like your whole world is about to collapse in on you? This is what it feels like for me with my hallucinations. For me at times it becomes blurry on what the hallucinations are and people in reality. It gets blurred because the auditory and visual hallucinations are so bad and convincing that I really don’t know the deference
Cutting is a coping skill, people may see it as not. Its not a good one and its harmful. All different people who use cutting as a coping skill do it for all different reasons. I did it because I was so upset and felt numb, just hoping I would feel something. Other times I would cut because of the voices telling me too. Other way is people want to see what they are feeling on the inside on the outside. Others what control over their body in some way, so they resort to this method. All are reasons, but its a temporary thing doesn’t solve things in the long haul. Just remember that WE all self sooth, WE all need coping skills. Don’t ‘punish’ someone for these behaviors, help them. They are in pain, and they need someone to listen.
Keep surviving my mental health warriors
Have you reached your boiling point with someone? Sometimes family doesnt listen, especially about mental health. You can tell them all day how they can support you, and sometimes they still dont. Ive tried yelling, and ive tried being calm and consistant. Yelling gets no where. Its like battling a dragon with a spoon and hoping that you win. It just doesnt work. Talking calm and consistant doesnt always work but your better off. People hear you better, believe it or not. That if you tell them over and over again your chances are better.
Stay strong fellow mental health warriors
You are most definitely NOT a burden. It might feel like it now. Maybe someone even told you that you are. I promise you arent. Hold a pillow tight tonight, put on some positive music, and rest well.
Hold on my fellow mental health warriors, for this bad time will pass.
^13 Years old, with bad Anorexia.
^15 at healthy weight
^16 starting to fill into my body
^Me at 20 years old, healthy physically
What do all these pictures have in common? They are all me. I started to restrict when I was 10 years old. It started at school, then progressed to at home. 13 years old, I was under 90 pounds. Very malnourished at one point so terrified to even drink water. The next picture is me at 15, I was generally healthy. I was a late bloomer, with growing into my body. I was a runner, I excersized ALOT. I was always in the gym before or after therapy, and every chance I got. Though I was healthy, my eating disorder thoughts drifted into my thoughts once in a while. The next picture is me again at 16 years old. I had finally gotten a chest, not large but one. I was working out alot still, not loving my body because of my body growing. I didnt have a father to show me the right way a guy should treat me. I was in and out of abusive relationships with girls, also hung out with boys that only wanted me for sex. Growing up with sexual abuse was hard to deal with, the fact that I didnt know who to date, or how I should be treated was very hard. The last picture is of me today, my body has fully grown into my 20 year old body. I have eating disorder thoughts but at this point being able to push them out of my head is easier.
Im here to tell you girls, that your body will change. You will grow into your chest, your period will come (youll probably hate it). Love your body, to love someones body closely enough to touch you have to love yours. Hug yourself.
Keep strong my fellow mental health worries
Alot of places take visitors phones away so they can’t take pictures of other patients. My mom took this picture of me in a psychiatric hospital, at 15 years old, 5 years ago. I was on a 1:1, that means I was in a arms reach of a staff every second of the day. Yes, that includes the bathroom. The shower curtain had to be open, they had to feel how warm the water was to make sure it wasnt ‘to hot’. Life in a psychiatric hospital isnt what people think of. Its not what the ‘institutions’ we see in the Movies or on the Tv show ‘American Horror Story’. You are on a schedule, you get up and go to bed at a set time. You are given your medications by a nurse. You have groups all through out the day. Its not glorious, but its not the worst place to be either.
Just remember that your there to get help, and that not everything will be easy. That getting healthly is worth it.
Keep it up mental health warriors!!