Eye Contact-Self Regulating

Eye contact is one of the hardest things for me. I cant stand when someone yells at me for not looking in their eyes, or they tell me Im not paying attention. It isnt that Im not paying attention. Its that I dont know what your eyes are saying, alot of times your body language and your eyes dont match. I cant read your eyes, they confuse me.

“Eye contact makes me feel threatened. I may not look at you in the eye but that doesn’t mean that I’m not taking in what your saying.”
                            – Jeanette Purkis’

 

The next thing that Im about to post about may seem weird, or that it will draw attention to you in public. The thing is, it calms everything. Once you decide that it doesnt matter what people think of you in public it helps everything (in my case anyways).
As soon as I get into a building (Doctors, Psychiatrist, therapist, even store, ect.) I take my shoes off. Here is my list of what helps me in public hacks!

  1. Sensory Backpack with all my necessary items (Wallet, phone changer, headphones, noise cancelling headphones, three sensory balls, fidget spinner, emergency medication, weighted lap pad, inhaler, and pretty much anything else that will help me
  2. I take my shoes off
  3. I cross my legs
  4. I rock
  5. Twist my arms
  6. Walk around with my shoes off (sometimes)
  7. Play with something in my backpack
  8. Draw
  9. Fun games on my phone (coloring, angry birds, music, Facebook, WordPress, ect) This is why I find it is SO important to bring the charger in case it dies.

These are my must haves. I need to have everything on this list as a option, to feel safe and like I know that I will be able to get through it. I dont always use every single thing in that list, the fact that I have it helps me get through stuff like waiting rooms, and loud restaurants, even stores.

Its important to remember to take care of yourself before worrying about other peoples opinion on what your doing, everyone will have a opinion, and not everyone will agree or like yours all the time. Doing something that is safe and helps you manage is the best way around it!

Why Change Scares Me

If you asked anyone that knows me and you asked “Does Lindsey like change?” the answer would be “absolutely not” .. I grew up with unpredictable by the time I was 6 or 7. By the time 13 came around it was bad, I hated change so much that even the slightest change would make me panic until I would self harm. I never knew when I would come home from school what waited for me that nice. My first question getting off the bus to my mother was “Is dad home? Is he coming home tonight?” If the answer was no to either or both I knew that It would be okay at least that night. If the answer was ‘yes’ or that he worked from home. I would know what that day would end in. Yes, unpredictability scares the hell out of me. After my first 4 hospitalizations in a row, I did not like it at all. I knew that eventually I would be sent home, that sooner or later I would return to a monster,and my judgmental town. I was sent to a psychiatric hospital in town to a residential inpatient program 6 hours from home, then I was to(violent, Actually what it was, was I was hearing voices and they kept telling me that I wasn’t) Sent to a locked unit 8 hours from home In a different state, down to a state runned psychiatric hospital. Then home, in a total of 5 months. You could say my life was flipped out of control in 5 months. I started going down hill around 11. I started to seriously self harm(cutting, burning, ect..) Too just getting in-school suspended for a full 3 or 4 days. 8 hours in a little room. To me though, It was 8 hours I didnt have to talk to anyone, 8 hours that I could sit in a quite, dark room, 8 hours not required to try to socialize. This was really nice for me, eventually I would purposely try to get suspended in-school. This meant I did my work from 8 classes while I was in there, this resulted of me getting them done in maybe 3 hours, and the rest for me to be alone.
So yes, I dont like change because change makes me fear something horrible with happen. I will get hurt, someone else will, and it sends me back into a flashback.

Keep preparing on my mental health warriors
If you or someone you know is in danger Its never to late, call 911 or go to the closest Emergency Room