We all did it, we all do it. When is it so far? I lied to escape from reality. No one wanted to listen to the truth, I would tell anyone that would listen about my dad molesting me. My dad was a businessman, and no one would have expected that evil lied within him. I told people that I was suppose to be able to trust, I told mandated reporters. The fact is that they didn’t report. I thought that if no one was listening to the truth I had to say, that I didn’t matter, that my lies didn’t affect people, because my truth didn’t either. I escaped reality in the lies I told. No matter what I told, to me it was better then what I was living. Even if the lies seemed horrific to other people, I would have rather been living whatever the lie was than being molested every other night. There were definitely nights that I would curl up in my bed and scream into a pillow, cry my eyes out, and feel like destroying everything in my path. The next day I would sit on the shower floor with hot water, and loud music so I could cry, scream, and wash away the ‘dirt’ off my body. Get out then go to school act like everything was ‘fine’. Fact was that didn’t work as well as I thought It was. I lied there, I lied to my parents, and I lied to everyone. Most importantly I lied to myself. I told myself that I didn’t matter, that my pain wasn’t valid, and my body wasn’t mine, and people shouldn’t respect it either.
I remember that every night I would sit in my bathtub, naked, hoping that If I scrubbed my body hard enough, the bruises from the night before and all the ‘dirt’ he left would go down the drain. I thought If I was pretty enough, skinny enough, and lovable enough. That it would just stop, it never did. I became overwhelmed in my own world, and the only thing that I could focus on was my lies. I just wanted something that freed me from the hell of reality that I lived every single day, because I knew the second he got home my reality came back.
Pretty soon my lies didn’t make me escape. I couldn’t breathe normally, and I couldn’t survive (As I thought). Resulting on June 25, 2010 I tried to kill myself, landing me in the ER, then my first psychiatric stay.
Keep surviving my mental health warriors
If you or someone you know is suicidal or being harmed, its not to late, go to the nearest Emergency Room, or call 911